Tired of being tired
Tuesday, November 4, 2014 at 03:20AM They told me, lots of wise-seeming people, including some who had as many kids as I do, that I’d be exhausted until my youngest went to school and then a whole new world would open up, starring a freshly energised me.
Sixteen years later, I’m still waiting.
If my 35-year-old self with a baby and three little kids knew that with only two people in the household I was still knackered, she would be disgusted.
There is a full-time jobs worth of things I no longer have to do, from getting four babies, toddlers, primary school kids, teenagers out the door each morning in time for crèche/kinder/ school, to reading digesting and processing the multiple bits of paper that each of them brought back from crèche/kinder/school, to dropping them all over the place for sport commitments and then picking them up again. It wasn’t unusual for me to clock up 130 ks on a weekend.
And that’s before you even start feeding, clothing, cleaning up after and emotionally supporting a family of six.
Compared to those years, my domestic life is now a breeze. I should be full of bounce, just looking for more things to do, be involved in, commit to. My creative juices should be going gangbusters. But all I am is tired.
For years now, it seems, I have been setting myself little goals by which time I will get my mojo back. Mostly, these are work-related. ‘When I just get through this particularly busy patch, I’ll catch up on sleep and I won’t feel so tired.’
‘Once the Synod conference is over,’ is the big one that loomed most recently. And then, Synod was over, and I had ten days off, really restful and recuperative days where I blobbed and slept and read and walked and hung out with husband and did all the things that restore me to wholeness. I went back to work with, as one colleague pointed out, the spring back in my step. For about 24 hours. And then I was buggered again.
There were two long weekends in the offing, however, for which I had high hopes. Last weekend I spent four nights in the country with my daughter and son-in-law at one of the most restful places I know. This extra long Cup Day weekend I am at Anglesea, sleeping a lot. Surely after these two mini breaks, I will be completely recovered from the exhaustion of Synod. Somehow, though, from past experience, I doubt it.
Next I am pinning my hopes on the longest summer holiday I’ve had for years – three whole weeks over Christmas and into January. Surely after than I will be back to bouncing enthusiastically out of bed every day?
Or not. I’ve always been a morning person – praying and exercising before anyone else was up. These days my routine of a lifetime is shot to pieces. I simply cannot get out of bed early any more.
I don’t suffer from chronic fatigue. I’m not depressed. I do the right things to keep fit and healthy. So why am I ALWAYS. SO. TIRED?
Every day I long for bed. On weekends I count the hours to my after-lunch nap, one of the most delicious time of my day. During the week, I long for it to be late enough that I can respectably hit the sack.
Is this constant state of weariness a 21st century ailment? Is the pace of everything just too fast for us to keep up? Is there something subtly toxic about the way we live?
Maybe it’s the price you pay for being deeply involved with a range of good places, causes, people, for being profoundly engaged with life?
Maybe it’s simply the ageing process. Maybe I am just wearing out and getting weary with a weariness that will only end with death. Indeed, when I think about death these days, it doesn’t seem so bad. Imagine, going to bed for an endless nap, and never ever having to get up again.
Reader Comments (5)
Check your vitamin D levels. Should be 70-100 I am told and I was down to 40 earlier in the year and not bouncing like I expect to.
Oh Claire,
I know just how you feel! I wake up tired, and I feel like I'm lazy but just getting through the day takes so much energyI keep waiting for the miracle thing that will provide me with the boundless energy that other people seem to access. Nothing has ever worked! We've gone low carb for almost a year: I thought that might have been the magic bullet. It works for some but again not really for me. But strangely I haven't gone back to eating like I used to.
But don't forget that those people who are full of boundless energy find it hard to relax. They can't find the peace that you take for granted. They're so "up" they can't find the sleep that you love so much.
But a bit more wouldn't go astray! Just a bit.
Oh Claire, me to a T. Often feel like curling up in a corner, and I long for my bed all day. Do check Vit D and B12, and Iron tho. Whenever I get tests, I secretly hope one of these is the culprit, but not with me; just tired... I resonate with you in so many ways when I read your blog, only children not adult yet. Keep writing, and enjoy your nanna-naps, nothing sweeter. :-)
When you see people "our" age strutting on the stage with fabulous teeth only 3 years old ( the teeth, that is), and probably new titanium hips to maintain the swagger, it can be galling to those of us who are "tired of being tired". Perhaps an injection of a "healthy dose of selfishness" would assist those who have had a life built on the service of others? The planets won't go out of alignment, you will still have the love of your God and those around you. A gentle rebalancing of the give-take of so many relationships - work, family, community - can do wonders!
Clare - Sorry to hear you are feeling tired all the time. Maybe you need some vitamins, or maybe you are just pushing yourself too hard and expecting too much of yourself. Sometimes, you need to step back, take a break, relax and not worry about how tired you feel. Curl up with a cup of tea, a good book and have a snooze and to hell with it. Big hugs.xxoo