Does choosing not to have children = selfish?
Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 11:44PM I rattled this off one lunch time last week, having read a piece by Clem Bastow in that morning's Age. I sent my response to The Age and they said, 'Like it a lot, but can't use it'. I proceeded to send it to a popular blogsite I have been trying to crack for months; same response. Dear readers - this is pretty much the story of my life. If I didn't have a day job, family and a bunch of other things I enjoy, I would go stark raving bonkers trying to make a go of writing.
The good thing about having my own blog, however, is that they can't turn me down. And I get to inflict everybody else's rejects on my family and hard core fans. Thanks guys!
Are people who choose not to have children selfish? Do parents have the right to judge them?
A young Melbourne woman raised this perennial issue in The opinion pages of The Age last week when she wrote eloquently about the barrage of questions, advice and criticism she unwillingly attracts when she says that she will probably never have a baby because she’s just not interested.
It always takes me by surprise when I hear of people judging each other in the ways she quoted in this article: ‘Do you hate kids or something? You’ll be sorry when you’re old and there’s no one to look after you. My taxes shouldn’t have to support your single lifestyle.’
My life circumstances have been different from this writer’s. I married my childhood sweetheart at 21; 31 years later we have four grown-up children. Naturally we have had our moments. There has been a bit of anguish and a ton of hard work. Most of it, however, has been great. I love our kids to bits and appreciate deeply what raising and living with them has taught me. They are among the people in the world I most enjoy spending time with.
But parenting is not not NOT for everyone. And if it’s not for you, it doesn’t mean you are any more selfish, limited or superficial than those of us who choose to reproduce.
My husband and I chose to have babies not because we were particularly noble. We just wanted them. Looking out for your kids children isn’t some great altruistic gesture; it’s more like an extension of self-interest.
In this society, the majority of people have a choice about what they do with their life, including whether or not to have children. We all make choices for reasons. What other people choose is up to them.
I wonder about these parents who are outraged at others not wanting what they’ve got. I suspect those who protest loudest and shrillest are the ones who secretly, maybe without even knowing it themselves, wonder if they made the right decision. Insecurity is usually what makes us harshest in our judgement of others.
I know a lot of childless people who live incredibly rich lives. I also know parents whose lives seem to be pretty damn miserable, insular, limited and resentful.
Then there are those whose lives revolve around their children to such an extent that when these grown children leave home, the parents go into a decline. Or the ‘kids’ stay home well into adulthood, with mum and dad looking after them as though they were five-year-olds.
There’s something skewed here. Children are wonderful, and as a parent you try to love them unconditionally. But they should never be under the impression that they are the centre of the universe. We all of us, parents included, need other things to build our lives around: community service, social justice, philanthropy, creativity, friendship, religious faith, our significant other – the list could go on.
As our youngest turns 18, I am revelling in the new stage of life this heralds. A dramatically lightened domestic load. A chance to throw myself into my two occupations with a little more abandon. More uninterrupted time with the father of my children. Maybe even some travel.
So, if you choose not to have children, don’t let the parent brigade get you down. You are not weird or unnatural. And maybe all of us could just get on with doing what we’ve chosen to do, and lay off other people.
Reader Comments (4)
Thanks for sharing this Clare. I wish all people were this reflective about the issue of childlessness. I have always seen my choice to not hsve children as linked to my commitment to the work I do, and if I have to endure oe more self righteous parent saying 'you're just fulfilled, you don't know true love, you are not a complete human....until you have become a parent ....' I think I will spew. Not being a parent makes me a much better aunty, god mother, teacher, and political activist and means that I am able to be more generous and thoughtful with my resources. It is a choice and a valid and thoughtful one.....people should stop feeling 'sorry ' for those of us who have made a choice that is different to the one they have made.
I wish all people were this reflective about the issue of childlessness. I have always seen my choice to not hsve children as linked to my commitment to the work I do, and if I have to endure oe more self righteous parent saying 'you're just fulfilled, you don't know true love, you are not a complete human....until you have become a parent ....' I think I will spew. Not being a parent makes me a much better aunty, god mother, teacher, and political activist and means that I am able to be more generous and thoughtful with my resources. -Police Twingear watches uk sale
well, i (a childfree woman, 47 years), knew that i wouldnt have kids when i was around 9 years old. i am not sure if there was something that influenced me greatly or whatever, but i am not a career woman either nor do i have a partner. i have had a few relationships that have ended and later learned that these men wished to procreate and were shopping for potential mothers for their children. what surprised me was the fact that i always was upfront about my choices and they never came out and said that they felt otherwise. maybe they didnt know themselves at the time. so, friends and family members that are parents ask me the usual cliched questions as if i am an old spinster to be pitied. others envy me and my 'spare' time, forgetting that we too wouldnt mind the odd bit of a family's busting about the dinner table and the sound of kids giggling or crying and needing a cuddle. my single childfree life is not always such a glamorous thing and anyway, all of this makes me ask "why the questioning....to me it's no different from some very traditional culture not being able to get beyond the..."so, where is your husband ?"...or?, no kids?...what career then?" aaarrrgghhh
I turn 40 next year, and have known for a long time that children are not for me. I love children, and don't object to being around them - but something makes me know it's not for myself. Turning 40 though, is a battle against those hormones that come knocking upon your door - fooling you to believe that time is running out, you must have kids! I'm with a guy who has a grown up son, and sometimes when I'm hormonal I believe he has a purpose in life because he's a father. However, your purpose in life is what you make it. If you decide that having a family gives you purpose in life - that's great. But it's always been questionable for me - and that isn't because I'm selfish. My occupation means I help people everyday - which satisfies my nurturing sense. And I want to nurture my guy as much as possible because he is damn lovely. We have the opportunity to do so much, not having kids together. However, I don't need to feel like I have to be swinging from the trees in the rainforest to prove that I have so much space in life. Space is as big or small as you want it to be. We all get so hung up on what others might think about us if we do this, or decide to do that. Why? I let people live how they want - and I should be able do the same. Its human nature to always think the grass is greener in the situation that you don't have. But is it really? What's right for some people, isn't right for others - and that's the bottom line!